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 Achilise and the run away.

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zelda0909

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PostSubject: Achilise and the run away.   03/02/11, 05:13 pm

(grr it didnt post. ignore my horrible spelling lol)

Achilise smelled the humen but it was very faint. So he started to head away from the river. he suddently smelled something strange. a cub? so he wheant over to investagate. he fount the cub staring at some prey. Achilise could smell the mother close by and growled at the cub to go home. It just stared at him so achilise brought the cub to its mother. so he started to head away from the river again he stoped at a watering hole. Whean he woke he could smell the cub so he walked around the watering hole untill he found it. It was to late to bring it home so he dicided to raise the cub. he whent hunting for zebra whean he had finished eating he sniffed for the cub. Achilise smelled something that greatly disturbed his odly happy mood. humen and gunpowder. pouchers! he greowled at the cub to hurry and they got to another wateruing hole. the next day the cub started to head back to the zebra carcase there was nothing achilise could do but follow him. after the cub had eaten achilise started to head back to the river it was to dangerouse out in the wasteland. He would do anything for this cub even if it meant giveing up his carefree days to live with the cubs pride. he had to protected the cub.

to be continued
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Danny Phantom Fan
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   03/02/11, 05:45 pm

not being rude but its not filled out that well needs more detail and i cant understand it. you are jumping from scene to scene not even telling what happens in between them. read some other stories and you will get the idea.


Last edited by dozer2010 on 04/02/11, 01:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Zak
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   04/02/11, 12:05 pm

dozer2010 wrote:
not being rude but its not filled out that well needs more detail and we cant understand it. you are jumping from scene to scene not even telling what happens in between them. read some other stories and you will get the idea.
i personally think it's a good story and i understand it...
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   04/02/11, 01:17 pm

well we all like what we like not all likes are the same
i was just expressing my opion
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zelda0909

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   05/02/11, 03:12 am

as a matter of fact i read all the time! Mad please whean you post on here post nice things! the reason i didnt say what prey was i coulnd remember the name! and it was kinda rushed because i had already posted it once and my arm was sore! anyway... thank you Zak your nice! Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   05/02/11, 12:16 pm

zelda0909 wrote:
as a matter of fact i read all the time! Mad please whean you post on here post nice things! the reason i didnt say what prey was i coulnd remember the name! and it was kinda rushed because i had already posted it once and my arm was sore! anyway... thank you Zak your nice! Smile
well i didnt seen his point o-o.. he was literally criticizing (bad spelling sorry) the way you wrote it without you asking for it Razz i dont get why it NEEDS more details Razz to me its just fine the way it is and it might be aswell your own style.
It also sounded kind of rude.. from my point yes..
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   05/02/11, 06:33 pm

I could understand it just fine. lol xD
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   05/02/11, 09:36 pm

Zak wrote:
zelda0909 wrote:
as a matter of fact i read all the time! Mad please whean you post on here post nice things! the reason i didnt say what prey was i coulnd remember the name! and it was kinda rushed because i had already posted it once and my arm was sore! anyway... thank you Zak your nice! Smile
well i didnt seen his point o-o.. he was literally criticizing (bad spelling sorry) the way you wrote it without you asking for it Razz i dont get why it NEEDS more details Razz to me its just fine the way it is and it might be aswell your own style.
It also sounded kind of rude.. from my point yes..
zak im a girl
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   06/02/11, 10:18 am

dozer2010 wrote:
Zak wrote:
zelda0909 wrote:
as a matter of fact i read all the time! Mad please whean you post on here post nice things! the reason i didnt say what prey was i coulnd remember the name! and it was kinda rushed because i had already posted it once and my arm was sore! anyway... thank you Zak your nice! Smile
well i didnt seen his point o-o.. he was literally criticizing (bad spelling sorry) the way you wrote it without you asking for it Razz i dont get why it NEEDS more details Razz to me its just fine the way it is and it might be aswell your own style.
It also sounded kind of rude.. from my point yes..
zak im a girl
lol sorry xD
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   06/02/11, 02:02 pm

its ok.
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   17/02/11, 01:30 am

part 2 (wrighting and playing simultainuassly... you know what i mean!)

He stopped at the wattering hole an elephant skull on one side the water in front and the cub behind him. he started walking again raoring engorgement to the cub. Achilse didnt know what to call it. soon the river could be heard sloshing niosly at the bank. Achlise stopped. were was he supposed to go now upriver or downriver. he growled in frustration. soon he was at the river. he stared across at a white creature with brown spots and a long neck. He crouched in the grass. he wasnt hungry just exstreamly bourd. he waited for it to notice his big brown mane in the bright green grass. it held still staring off in the distance. a volture passed over its back and it didnt even flinch. Achilise stared at it confused. it looked like it was dead but standing. if it turnede its head it would have surely seen him. Then he noticed the wind was blowing the wrong way for it the smell him. achilise got bored and it was late. he saw the cub sleeping peacefully and he layed next to it. he suddently smeled a male lion. was it the cubs father? was achilise going to have to defeat the male lion to be accepted into the pride? did he find the cubs mother?

to be continoud

(horrible cliffhanger lol)
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Scarikas

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   17/02/11, 09:41 am

it was great, But I agree, needs more detail c:
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   18/02/11, 12:42 am

fine then.YOU rewrite it then in more detail. the way YOU whant it couse obiusly its YOUR story! cant everyone just say things like good job! or i like it! or something like that. omg im just gonna stop posting on this. what else can i possible add? its rainy season obiosly or the watering holes would be dry. just try to wright a better lion story. the game is 2d i wrote what i saw and what happend. im not a mericle worker! Crying or Very sad Evil or Very Mad Sad

heres the new version then: the grass went swish the air burned his nose the ground was very mushy a tan cup with a brown tail and unkown gender was following the giant male with a shaggy brown mane and tan body with brown tai.l the sun was bright yellow the sky blue with lots of clouds fluffy and one was shaped like a rabbit another... bored yet?
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   17/03/11, 01:00 am

Read EVERYTHING


I DID Say it was great! What's wrong with you? All we ask is for a little more detail instead of you lazily rushing through it with your excuses to help you. Your little 'bored yet' pixels don't effect us. And you know exactly what we mean when we ask for a little more detail. Don't pretend you don't.
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   17/03/11, 10:39 pm

Scarikas wrote:
Read EVERYTHING


I DID Say it was great! What's wrong with you? All we ask is for a little more detail instead of you lazily rushing through it with your excuses to help you. Your little 'bored yet' pixels don't effect us. And you know exactly what we mean when we ask for a little more detail. Don't pretend you don't.

I'd recommend you relax a bit. I'd prefer if this didn't get out of hand. As it is, their only 8-9 years old.
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   18/03/11, 04:57 am

It's a short-story with a little hard to read english I'd say. Short-Stories often suddenly jump from scene to scene Smile
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Kytaradragon

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   25/05/11, 08:50 pm

It's a good story, but it does hop around a bit. But otherwise, entertaininng!
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Mook

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   03/06/11, 07:59 am

(OMG!! I found meh rp buddeh in a place rather than weo Very Happy *waves*)

I love the story Zelda ^^ its great! the lion is so sweet to stay with the cub.
Also everyone else in this topic... Zelda is a great roleplayer so she has some xperience with stories and such.
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Kytaradragon

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   03/06/11, 02:19 pm

What RP? Where? Let me seeeeeeeeeeeee!
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Mook

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   04/06/11, 12:11 pm

erm, heres a few links...

Heres a link to her profile so you know who she is in the rps...
Zelda0909's Profile


and here are ONLY a few rps she is in...

Shadow Wolves Rp

Wolves Of YellowStone Rp

African Savanna Rp



its on weo, she rps all the time!
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Kytaradragon

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   04/06/11, 02:02 pm

;D Thank you. I usually RP with these really bizarre plots, usually SF-type.

But now we're off-topic.

Zelda, what happens to the cub? *puppy face*
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Mook

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   05/06/11, 09:39 am

np dude ^^ happy to help, i made up the Shadow Wolves Rp so you know.

Zelda hasn't been on today, i dunno what shes doing.

But i'm also curious to what happened to the cub,
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Kytaradragon

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   05/06/11, 02:14 pm

Oosh, wait, I might join the Shadow thing.

Zelda, if you're reading this, the cub needs a name. Unless I missed it.
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Centuries

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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   30/01/12, 07:02 am

It's so sweet that Achilles stayed with the cub, especially since in real life he probably would've killed and eaten it. I liked the idea!
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PostSubject: Re: Achilise and the run away.   30/01/12, 12:24 pm

zelda0909 wrote:
fine then.YOU rewrite it then in more detail. the way YOU whant it couse obiusly its YOUR story! cant everyone just say things like good job! or i like it! or something like that. omg im just gonna stop posting on this. what else can i possible add? its rainy season obiosly or the watering holes would be dry. just try to wright a better lion story. the game is 2d i wrote what i saw and what happend. im not a mericle worker! Crying or Very sad Evil or Very Mad Sad


Well, excuse us for having an opinion. And, I agree with Scarikas. And, Zelda, life isn't all 'Good job!' and 'Loved it!'. People have their say, and it isn't always nice. People have free opinions, and yes I'm being redundant to get my point across.
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